Using "I" Messages with God
I’m angry. I’m angry at God.
I discovered this last week at a conference I attended in
California. During the morning teaching session, the speaker was teaching from
2 Kings 4:8-37 (Elisha and the Shunammite woman). He was speaking to the
prophets. It was a great word/teaching about staying connected to family, and I
was nodding and agreeing and saying, “Amen,” “Good word,” as he taught.
After the early session I entered the main sanctuary to
prepare for worship. A few of the main speakers were at the front so I walked
over to chat with them. While I was at the front, a recognizable (and well
known) woman touched me and we began to pray together. She told me to expect an
encounter with God during worship and told me to “be ready”. My interest was
piqued so I got prepared i.e., I found a place, turned my face upward and held
open my hands to “receive”, expecting to receive something akin to an ecstasy
experience.
That’s not what I received.
God spoke to me and told me I wasn’t the prophet in the
story the speaker shared that morning; I was the Shunammite woman and he opened
my [spiritual] eyes to see the parallel.
The Shunammite woman offered friendship, a relationship, to
the prophet. First it was just a meal, but soon after she rearranged and
renovated her home to build a room, a permanent place, for the prophet to stay
when he was near. She included him into her family, but when the prophet wanted
to do something for her because of the sacrifice she was making on his behalf,
she replied, “I don’t need anything.”
Still, the prophet wanted to do something so he found out
she didn’t have a son and he promised her a son, in one year’s time. Her
response isn’t overwhelming joy, rather she said, “Don’t lie to me. Don’t give
me hope for something that won’t come true.” Nevertheless, her hope was birthed
but after a time her son died. Next, she lays down her son and went to meet the
prophet. When asked if she was okay, her response to anyone less than the
prophet was, “It is well,” but to the prophet she said, “I never asked for a
son. I told you not to give me hope, and now my hope is dead. What are you
going to do about it?”
He showed me how I had opened my home, my life to him. I
created a place for him to stay and I was content with that. Nevertheless, God
spoke a lot of promises to me and gave me hope for something more. But right
now, the promises seem dead and he said, “You’re angry at me.” As soon as he
spoke to me, I knew it was true and I started to cry (and snort and sniffle). For
the next 45 minutes I shared my “I” messages with God.
“I feel mad because the promises God has spoken to me haven’t been
fulfilled yet.”
“I feel afraid my dreams and expectations are bigger than God can
perform.”
“I feel afraid God can fulfill his promises but he’s choosing not
to.”
“I feel afraid I don’t actually hear God in the first place and
maybe I am waiting for promises he didn’t make to me.”
We went around, and around like that until I had expended all
my anger and fear. I didn’t know it was inside me, but God knew and he wasn’t
afraid of letting me vent, at moments violently even. Afterward, I told God we
were going to finish this issue because I was not going to come around this
mountain of anger and distrust again.
I’m still in that place. I’m still angry but less so. It’s
an uncomfortable place to be, because it’s ‘character-building’. Not only is it building character but this
place is making me look at every promise he’s given me again and ask myself, “Do
I trust this word?” I want to believe it. I want to keep dreaming with God and going for more, but it's hard to believe for more when I don't see the first promises being fulfilled.
In the world of writing and blogging, this is not a tidy
place to end because there isn’t any resolution but I have a feeling there are others
who relate to living in the gap – the one between the promise and the
fulfillment and dealing with the emotions that go along with living in the
tension. There aren’t easy answers, but I’ve come too far to let go now. I’m
holding on for the blessing. How about you?
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