Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Piece of My Heart

I’m enjoying the age and stage of my Boy; he’s emerging into manhood, but the vestiges of childhood still linger. He bears the wit of his father and the hilarity of his mother. It pleases me how others respond to him – young, old and peers are charmed by his charisma; and as long as homework or chores are not involved, he and I have a good, solid and well mannered relationship.

My Man and I love our Boy and he loves us in return, but he really only knows one small part of the person I am. (Except for the visit to the Music Experience museum in Seattle when he saw footage of Lollapalooza festivals from the 1990s and his father confided to him that his mother was among the crazy-eyed, bare-breasted guys and girls - although, I was definitely not bare-breasted at any point.) The exception aside, my Boy knows I love him, provide for him and will comfort him, but also I am a disciplinarian and enforcer of the “rules”.

As my Boy grows and matures, I desire to extend myself to him more – to let him understand the things that make me laugh or the things that touch my heart. This past weekend, I decided it was time to include him in a part of my life I only show people who are close to me. I offered him a piece of myself he’d never seen or known and you know what my Boy did? He rejected it. He wasn’t rude about it, but the experience I wanted to share with him ranked low on things he wanted to do with his time.

As I nursed my wounded heart, I reflected on the Israelites in the desert and how God invited them into His presence, and they rejected it (Exodus 20:18-21). Only Moses, the man whom God called a friend, entered into where He was; the rest were content to know God from a distance. They had known and experienced his salvation and his provision, not dissimilar to the way my Boy experiences me to be his caregiver; the Israelites were satisfied with as much as they knew God.

It’s incredibly sad and grievous to me to think there is more of God that He desires to reveal and I (or anyone) would reject Him because I was content to stay and be where I was. Who wouldn’t agree that when someone opens up their heart and is vulnerable with us, it is a gift? Marriage couldn’t be successful if each of the partners doesn’t learn to give of ourselves and receive from another.

Sometimes I speculate how history would have been different had the Israelites understood things differently and/or sooner. I am loath to see myself as better, but I am strongly inclined to learn from the history of others, so I don’t need to repeat history.

#40lessons: God is the same now, as He was in the desert. He offered himself to people and He still offers his heart. Will I be too busy doing my own thing to respond? Will you?

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